God Impossible

i am only posting this here because i am linking it to my 365 blog... i'll probably delete it before i return to using this blog as my main.

if not, well... i guess this will be my one and only 2010 post on this blog. :)

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God Impossible

I see my reflection in the mirror

So different from what they see

Darker eyes, wiser mind

Who is this I see?

My mind screams alarm

Who am I as I watch myself

I’m losing this fight

It’s useless and I don’t know

I think I’m losing my mind

I’m judging who I don’t know

Myself in the mirror so far away

Lost to myself

Images pass in my mind

I can’t see it’s all too fast

My reflection dims

And I am no longer me

I want to go away

Hide as before

The reflection stands without pity

And I don’t know who I am

I scream out to no one

No reply in this silence

I don’t understand as I fall to my knees

Praying for some god impossible

The reflection laughs as I begin to cry

And I don’t know what happened

I lost track of the time

Wasted away on some drunken dream

My mind is reeling

I begin to fear as the prayer escapes my lips

I want it to end

I’m afraid of who I am

I look to the mirror

It’s me as I was before

Lost and afraid in the comfort of the dark

Yet it’s new

It’s something I don’t know

My eyes see a world I never knew

And I wonder why

I see my reflection in the mirror

Not who I used to be

Darker eyes, wiser mind

No longer the kid I used to be.

2009 in Review (Best & Worst)

so, i have done this two years running, my favorite songs/albums, books, movies, and tv of the year.

boring blog, but hey, it lets me know what i may not remember.

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movies:

tough year for choices so i am doing a top 4 (or three, the first two are tied).

1. avatar
2. up
3. the princess and the frog (yep, deal)
4. star trek (great non-fan movie)

worst movie, easily, is transformers 2


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album, no list, obviously for me it is:

backspacer, pearl jam

song, also off backspacer, "just breathe" OR "get some".

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novels... top 10.

1. under the dome, king
2. jonathan strange and mr. norrel, clarke
3. the terror, simmons
4. drood, simmons
5. the strain, hogan/ del toro
6. the graveyard book, gaiman
7. the two towers, tolkien
8. prince of theives, hogan
9. oryx and crake, atwood
10. return of the king, tolkien

biggest disappointing novels:

1. death troopers, schreiber
2. the standoff, hogan
3. pygmy, palahniuk

surprise?


toss up between, the strain, oryx, or the graveyard book.


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short stories, top 3:

1. ur, king
2. the dream hunters, gaiman
3. creatures of the night, gaiman

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that's it, happy new year :)

oh, and tv, house or lost.

2010 (Hours Before)

you know, i don't know about 2010. things are going to go so terribly wrong i feel in about a week. everything is bound to that event, an event that will probably take part of my soul, my heart, maybe my mind.

yet, in truth, i also feel like it would, will, be a better year. maybe i can recover some things i lost, recover from things i gained.

who knows?

i will be blogging more, but haven't decided if on this blog or elsewhere. i really like the release the blogs give, the way i can vent without having to deal with immediate repercussions. so, yeah, more blogs.

more personal blogs too.

because it's a show ender:

Rockie, Your Mix

not the best, but hey...

i miss you, truly miss rockieforte.

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everyday, buddy holly (don't get the wrong idea, just love the song)
the man who sold the world, bowie
don't pray on me, bad religion
unthought known, pearl jam
unfinished, bnl
trouble, cat stevens
vice and virtues, dropkick murphy's
25 minutes to go, cash
porch, vedder solo
castaway, green day
ain't this the life, boingo
tender lumplings, boingo
drive, r.e.m
i'm so tired, beatles
last exit, pearl jam
all apologies, nirvana

2009 in Stories

everything i read this year.. best year ever for books. as with last year, this blog is for me.

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1.Cujo- Good-B

2.Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell-Great-A

3S.The Curious Case of Benjamin Button-Good-B+

4.The Fellowship of the Ring-Blah-C

5.The Two Towers- Great-A

6.The Return of the King-Very Good-A-

7.The Children of Hurin-Great-A

8.The Silmarillion-UNFINISHED

9.Diary of a Wimpy Kid- (4/20-4/21)-Good-B

10.Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2 (4/21-4/22)-Good-B-

11.Diary of a Wimpy Kid 3 (4/22-4/23)-Ok-C+

12.Something Wicked This Was Comes (4/23-5/8)-Blah-D*

13.Of Mice and Men (5/8-5/9)-Great-A

14.Pygmy (5/9-5/15)-Good-B-

15.Outcast (5/15-5/18)-Great-A

16S.The Man Who Would Not Shake Hands (5/20)-Good-B-

17S.Beachworld (5/20)-Good-B

18S.The Reaper's Image (5/20)-Good-B+

19.The Terror (5/22-6/15)-Amazing-A+

20S.Mortality (6/5-6/6)-Good-B+

21S.Nona (6/16)-Very Good-A-

22S.Survivor's Type (6/16) -Good-B

23S.Uncle Otto's Truck (6/16)-Good-B+

24S.Morning Deliveries *Milkman #1)-(6/16)-Good-B

25S.Big Wheels: A Tale of the Laundry Game (Milkman #2)-(6/16)-Good-B+

26S.Gramma (6/17)-Great-A

27.The Pearl (6/17-6/18)-Great-A

28.Drood (6/18-7/10)-Amazing-A+

29NF.Silent Bob Speaks (6/27-7/4)-Good-B

30.Omen (7/11-7/13)-Good-B

31.Path of Destruction (7/13-7/21)-Good-B

32.Rule of Two (7/24-8/4)-Good-B+

33.Fragment (8/5-8/7)-Good-B+

34.The Strain (8/8-8/12)-Amazing-A+

35.Prince of Theives (8/15-8/22)-Great-A

36N.The Ballad of the Flexible Bullet (8/22-8/23)-Good-B

37S.The Reach (8/23)-Good-B

38S.Jerusalem's Lot (8/23-8/24)-Very Good-A-

39S.Graveyard Shift (8/24)-Good-B

40S.Night Surf (8/24)-Very Good-A-

41S.I Am the Doorway (8/24-8/25)-Good-B

42.Abyss (8/25-9/4)-Very Good-A-

43S.The Ladies of Grace Adieu (9/5-9/6)-Good-B-

44S.The Mangler (9/5-9/6)-Very Good-A-

45S.The Boogeyman (9/6)-Good-B-

46S.Gray Matter (9/7)-Ok-C

47S.Battlegorounds (9/8)-Ok-C+

48S.Trucks (9/10)-Good-B

49S.Sometimes They Come Back (9/9)-Good-B

50.The Standoff (9/12-10/6)-Good-B+

51S.The Ledge (10/6)-Good-B

52S.The Lawnmowerman (10/7)-Good-B-

53S.Strawberry Spring (10/6)-Ok-C+

54.Oryx and Crake (10/7-10/18)-Amazing-A+

55.I Am Legend (10/19-10/23)-Alright-C

56.Diary of a Wimpy Kid #4 (10/19-10/24)-Good-B

57.The Graveyard Book (10/24-10/27)-Amazing-A+

59.Stardust (10/27-11/01)-Good-B+

60.Death Troopers (11/02-11/06)-Alright-C+

61S.Premium Harmony (11/03)-Good-B

62G.Preludes & Nocturns (11/04-11/06)-Great-A

63.Coraline (11/05-11/07)-Very Good-B+

64N.The Dream Hunters (11/07-11/08)-Amazing-A+

65G.Violent Cases (11/07)-Very Good-B-

66G.Doll's House (11/07-11/09-Amazing-A+

67G.Marvel 1602 (11/09-11/12)-Very Good-B+

68.Under the Dome (11/13-12/04)-Amazing-A+

69G.The Comical Tragedy or the Tragical Comedy of Mr Punch (11/14-11/15)-Good-B-

70G.Superman for All Seasons (11/23-11/24)-Very Good-A

72G.Creatures of the Night (11/24)-Good-B+

73G.The Last Tempation (11/24-11/26)-Great-A

74G.Dream Country (11/26-11/28)-Alright-C+

75G.Seasons of Mist (12/04-12/07)-Great-A

76S.Quitter's Inc (12/07)-Very Good-B+

77.Odd and the Frost Giants (12/10)-Great-A

78.American Gods (12/10-

79N.Ur (12/27-12/30)-Amazing-A+

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American Gods is what i am reading now.

Trouble

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

-Cat Stevens

A Dream, a Note, and Dream Again

i'm sitting on the picnic table where we had our first real conversion. it's afternoon, near sunset, and everything is picturesque.

no, no.

no, not quite right. it's not picture-like, the scene seen through my dream, the "dreamscape", is nearly animated. it is perfect, but not quite real.

leaves are falling, slower than they would in real life, slower than i imagine would be possible in anything but in this dream. it's fall, and in my dream, it becomes dark super quickly.

too quickly.

it's dark now, early dark, and i look over the eastern horizon to see the yellow moon glowing behind the hazy autumn night.

harvest moon, i think in my dream.

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i remember that first conversation, that first night i really talked to you, and knew that i was meant to meet you. meant to learn from you, to be friends, to be.

we talked about everything that we seemed we could, and everything seemed without limitation.

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in my dream, i am sitting, watching.

watching maybe, the dreamscape is still night. still september.

and i hear your voice, you're quiet.

no, i think, just afraid.

but why? my dream-self thinks.

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again, a sudden shift and the moon turns red. the blood moon, and it is october.

i realize that i am holding something in my hands, a book. i know, in my dream, where everything is heading. i am still sitting on the bench where we had our first real conversation more than two years before.

i look down at the books cover, and in my dream, i smile. it is harry potter and the half blood prince.

i look back up, and i feel the smile vanish, and know why your not there, in my dream i do at least.

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**
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rockie,

this is not a creepy dream or anything. no awkwardness, not that i intentionally put out there at least. i think, by how i felt as i woke is that you were just gone. that we didn't talk, or something happened, or something.

not sure exactly what.

i think, honestly, i feel... well, i am not sure how i feel.

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**
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i have been working on a poem called "dream again" for the last seven or so years. monday night i finished it, and feel, finally, as if i can truly come up with new ideas writing now.

that even though all the whispering voices from the dead that come from underneath my bed are here to stay, maybe they are meant to be heard.

because, after all, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

it is evolutions cruelest joke.