God Impossible

i am only posting this here because i am linking it to my 365 blog... i'll probably delete it before i return to using this blog as my main.

if not, well... i guess this will be my one and only 2010 post on this blog. :)

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God Impossible

I see my reflection in the mirror

So different from what they see

Darker eyes, wiser mind

Who is this I see?

My mind screams alarm

Who am I as I watch myself

I’m losing this fight

It’s useless and I don’t know

I think I’m losing my mind

I’m judging who I don’t know

Myself in the mirror so far away

Lost to myself

Images pass in my mind

I can’t see it’s all too fast

My reflection dims

And I am no longer me

I want to go away

Hide as before

The reflection stands without pity

And I don’t know who I am

I scream out to no one

No reply in this silence

I don’t understand as I fall to my knees

Praying for some god impossible

The reflection laughs as I begin to cry

And I don’t know what happened

I lost track of the time

Wasted away on some drunken dream

My mind is reeling

I begin to fear as the prayer escapes my lips

I want it to end

I’m afraid of who I am

I look to the mirror

It’s me as I was before

Lost and afraid in the comfort of the dark

Yet it’s new

It’s something I don’t know

My eyes see a world I never knew

And I wonder why

I see my reflection in the mirror

Not who I used to be

Darker eyes, wiser mind

No longer the kid I used to be.

A Dream, a Note, and Dream Again

i'm sitting on the picnic table where we had our first real conversion. it's afternoon, near sunset, and everything is picturesque.

no, no.

no, not quite right. it's not picture-like, the scene seen through my dream, the "dreamscape", is nearly animated. it is perfect, but not quite real.

leaves are falling, slower than they would in real life, slower than i imagine would be possible in anything but in this dream. it's fall, and in my dream, it becomes dark super quickly.

too quickly.

it's dark now, early dark, and i look over the eastern horizon to see the yellow moon glowing behind the hazy autumn night.

harvest moon, i think in my dream.

---

i remember that first conversation, that first night i really talked to you, and knew that i was meant to meet you. meant to learn from you, to be friends, to be.

we talked about everything that we seemed we could, and everything seemed without limitation.

---

in my dream, i am sitting, watching.

watching maybe, the dreamscape is still night. still september.

and i hear your voice, you're quiet.

no, i think, just afraid.

but why? my dream-self thinks.

---

again, a sudden shift and the moon turns red. the blood moon, and it is october.

i realize that i am holding something in my hands, a book. i know, in my dream, where everything is heading. i am still sitting on the bench where we had our first real conversation more than two years before.

i look down at the books cover, and in my dream, i smile. it is harry potter and the half blood prince.

i look back up, and i feel the smile vanish, and know why your not there, in my dream i do at least.

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**
---

rockie,

this is not a creepy dream or anything. no awkwardness, not that i intentionally put out there at least. i think, by how i felt as i woke is that you were just gone. that we didn't talk, or something happened, or something.

not sure exactly what.

i think, honestly, i feel... well, i am not sure how i feel.

---
**
---

i have been working on a poem called "dream again" for the last seven or so years. monday night i finished it, and feel, finally, as if i can truly come up with new ideas writing now.

that even though all the whispering voices from the dead that come from underneath my bed are here to stay, maybe they are meant to be heard.

because, after all, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

it is evolutions cruelest joke.

Slanted Light

walking through these busy streets
seeing these empty sights
and bright lights
of the city of night

carrying my habit in my hand
wearing my heart on my sleeve
we say we once knew
each other from faraway

drifting like leaves
grains of sand in endless winds
wandering and wondering
where the next turn will take us

just like yesterday
tomorrow is indifferent to today
so we are one
on these city streets of slanted light

On the Verge

if you could stay
shrouded in mystery
would it be such a shame
to pretend mastery
of these mundane
day to day breakdowns
in communications
and insubstantial memories
of times gone by
when everyone believed
in living lives full of broken lies
counted down from zero
to death and then maybe
absolution on the edge of denial
on the verge of being a hero.

Two for Thursday

out of the dark
i called to a memory
reigned in the past
but i left my heart long ago
wasn't even listening

ran so far
from the things i know
before i could see anything

long in the dark
i was wandering
out from the past
to where i should never be

but we kids got lost
along the way
and we never knew
where we were

no,
its not where i planned to stay
but i knocked and got let in

got lost along the way
got lost along the way

so,
i guess we move on
things never turn out
the way we plan

well, this is the world
it doesn't make sense
'til the very end

sold my heart
for the things i own
never wanted anything

sold my heart
and the things i own
never got back again

got lost along the way
got lost along the way

---

when you barred in,

you're so patient
you got it all so worked out
you have it down to a science

but i'm trying not to try
i look like a dead man
flying a kite

'cause it only makes you upset
you tear your dress
just to make these puppets

and that only makes me nervous
i bite my nails
trying to deserve this

i can see where this is going
it's only going to be trouble

i'm such a sucker
for your kindness
i wrote your name in the back of my bible

but,
i'd like to come and go as i please
i'm not worried about the in-betweens
i'm not worried about the things i miss

this ain't that
and that ain't this

lights out when you move
you're the kindest king of cruel

the best mistake
that i've ever took

train me know
i'm a big boy

i can take it
if you want to be in my room
and we can wait for the lights to break
63 bottles that i've haven't seen

train me for lights out
train me for time
it only gets better because you never do mine

so,
i'll take it back when i want to

i'll take it back when i want to

la, la, la, la, la

Public Execution

take these words
they're meaningless
soften them
give them a twist

take your lens
focus in
'cause these talking heads
are at it again

abuse my past
it's just another lie
brutalized
before your eyes

because i am not one
for holding back
while all these hounds
are on the attack

but who is going to watch my back?

have you heard
all there is to say?
so what's your determination
what's my conviction?

distorted
two headed terms
delusional, conditional

covered in
all these lies
so i am now crucified

associate me
with all these broken standards
i am the sheep
so might as well give me the wool

come one
come all
this is a group affair

hey, look at me
i'm just another telecast
live from the edge of the world

godless
soulless and numb
so, tell me,
do you see the picture

of this public execution?

Realized

it's all we've been
realized
it's all we've seen
realized

all the thoughtless meandering
the aimless wondering
throughout time
in space

distances covered in novel ways
romantic slight of hand
just carried away

it's all we've been
realized
it's all we've seen
realized

counting seconds
ticking like a bomb
you have to wonder
just what heaven has in store

towards tomorrow
imminent disaster
where all these words
are just blank pages

it's all we've been
realized
it's all we've seen
realized

all is different now
on the edge fall
steps are heard
just past these walls

and questions remain
all unanswered
in all this space
all this time

realized

Talk About the Way it Was

oh, i had come
oh, i guess i did it
just so,
i didn't have to remember what i tried to forget
blanked out the night we met
she did (we did)
'cause something got tangled
and we both got it bad

oh, if it takes too long
oh, we waited too long

oh, i know you've changed your mind
oh, i know i never changed your mind
and now it's time to close the door

'cause now you talk a lot
you talk about the way it was
you don't have to remind me
i remember the way it was before

i never got it
but you thought i did
to go, take from remembrance
to go, take from the man
he led me here
to stand by the side of the road

i wish i knew
i wish i knew
but i never know

oh, if it takes too long
i wait too long

oh, i know you've changed your mind

oh, i know i never changed your mind

and now it's time to close the door

'cause now you talk a lot

you talk about the way it was

you don't have to remind me

i remember the way it was before

before

oh, if it takes too long

and i wait too long

i will never change your mind again for good

oh, if it takes too long

and i wait too long

i'll never change your mind.

Momentary Recognition (Pry, to)

you were standing.

leaning. waiting.

for something, someone.

i knew you once. long ago.

and standing there, across the room. across the invisible distance of time. i wonder.

wonder if you would remember that time.

or that time.

times i have forgot.

times i have forgave.

those i haven't.

you're leaning against the wall. smoking.

american spirits.

the only cigarette that still tastes good.

i watch. wait. some song is playing in the backround.

i don't know the name, just that it's hand has been overplayed.

leaning. standing. you glance over.

and for a second. split second.

calculated. reduced. and divided.

i see the recognition. i see the judgment.

one night.

one night and it was all washed away.

i remember saying. saying.

that i can't find a feeling i buried long ago.

i remember saying, that i don't have an answer.

and that i would rather be alone then feel alone.

i see your momentary recognition. i see that green flash in your eyes, so like hers. so like mine. so like no one i remember.

i remember saying i can't trust another. that it's easier to hide.

i think, looking at you leaning. we're staring at one another from across the room now.

you look. i look.

memories are passed without words.

voices that were silent for so long, i realize, are not gone.

i remember the tears we never cried.

i think as i turn around.

think. one night. one night.

one night.

one night.

i think.

one night.

i think

if i could change the future, i would change the past instead.

In God (We Trust)

without much hope
you stand in line hoping for a revelation
on events inside
where everyone prays to some fading light
that forgives all
of their previous sins
"one day," you think
"they'll let me in"
just to be a part of their little game
where they'll say,
"you're not like us,
inside this place,
your just a tad outside the box"
and like a mime
though invisible lines
you'll walk out the door
and drink in their trust.

First Horizon

first horizon

the sun drops
below the first horizon
where time began behind the misty mountain
standing there on the edge of the world
counting towards a forgotten motion
the waves crash on rocks below
where the clocks don't tick
into some unknown
where the sun explodes
below the first horizon
where time began behind the misty mountain

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thought i'd restart the whole blogging "thing" with what got me blogging to begin with: an off the wall (called "cow") poem on Xanga.


i will keep this up this time.