Used to Be We Knew Who We Were

it's weird when you hear that someone you have not seen, but were once close to, had been thinking of you. i get this e-mail , and it says, "i've been thinking of you. thinking of those stupid pictures we used to draw in physics.".

that is literally the entirety of the message. 16 words, 21 syllables.

at first, i was happy that someone had been thinking of me for no reason, then, i started to think about physics and how i felt about this person at the time we were "drawing those stupid pictures". i don't remember what they were of, because most of the time i was analyzing everything everything about devynne. i don't know why, i don't know why it mattered.

still don't, not really.

i tend to try to read people, and usually i am pretty good with it. i can read moods pretty well, lies and truth, anger, happiness.

maybe i shouldn't, but it's in my head that i need to. some compulsion (excessive?), a need, to understand how people are the way they are. i waste time doing this though. waste time thinking of why someone said this, or wrote this, or laughed at this joke, or smiled at me this way, or had a tone of anger in their voice, or kissed this way, hugged that way...

see what i mean?

thoughts, too much thinking kills me.

so here i am sitting on this computer for the first time in what feels like months, spilling out my soul, my thought-process, into the empty space of the internet.

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i miss people i still talk to.

contradictory, no? i mean, how could i miss someone i talk to on a  more or less regular basis?

i just do though, it feels like jennifer all over again... where i am losing touch with people for no reason, people i love, and i feel it's me at fault in some way.

it isn't me blaming myself, just how i feel.

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i used to know what it meant for me to be in love, and i am not going say i don't still know.

i guess that would be a lie. it's just that my definition of love is no longer the same, not since three months ago.

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i am just rambling. i guess i am just trying to say that i am not okay.

not okay.