Rockie

you know, every time i sit here, in front of this glowing screen in this dark room, i find myself writing to a future self.

i find myself leaving little hints about what goes right, what has gone wrong, and what is stuck in neutral when the world is in drive.

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my first post in my pry, to blog i wrote why i was having certain people read all the non-sense i was posting. all the insane ramblings from a sane (or nearly) person.

rockie, i wrote about you:

"The second person is new to me. My way of thinking. But that's okay. For whatever reason I trust you more than I trust most people, and I still have no idea why. But I'm comfortable with it now, and have been. But I never see you, so... I haven't been able to tell you that. I'm not going to say anything else, but thank you. Don't ask why, just... thank you. Although you're somewhat creepy."

i still stand by this. we never talk anymore for some reason, but i wish we were not losing touch. that little paragraph was written nearly two years ago now, and all i can think of is still how much it meant that you understood me. that i had someone to trust.

i said i didn't understand you. and i think i know why. i know you wanted to know this, so i wanted to know you would, hence the posting of it here. but i think it's not what you think it is.

i am not going to go off on you, or say anything about how you're tired of asking people what you are doing.

i care about those things, but i feel it is not my place to say anything.

instead, my lack of understanding lies in something you said to me awhile ago... or emailed me. you asked me if i was okay. this was over a year ago, and it meant a lot. not because you asked, but because you were the only one to ask. even andrew didn't, even when he knew something was up.

you asked me, "are you okay?"

that's it. you didn't ask what was wrong, nor did you demand of me to tell you. but you asked. you asked if i was okay because you knew i wasn't.

so i read all the blogs you have been writing, and even without hearing anything from you i worry. i worry because i don't want you to feel your life is wasting away. i don't want you to feel that you are failing at anything.

you do feel that way i think. your just enough like me where i think i know.

and that's what i don't understand. why don't we talk? for whatever reason i think that we could help one another because of our similarities.

maybe this is all sounding like complete bullshit.

i don't understand you because i understand myself.

i think awhile ago you were somewhat worried that i would say that i was in love with you. i am not rockie, but i do love you.

truly.

even without words passing between us, even as we drift apart for reasons i can't really define nor give reasons to, i love you.

and i am here for you.

even through the silence.